Ah the first day of school. The day where any and all perceived progress made over the summer just vanishes into thin air. Or at least thats the way it has felt over the last few days. But what do I know.
I learned today that a girl from my childhood passed away Friday from cancer. She had breast cancer 8 years ago, and things came back last year. I can only imagine that year.
I hadn’t talked to her in 20 years. She was a vibrant, energetic girl who liked to laugh, but also keep one honest. We had some shared moments. Movies, sledding, hanging out at her dad’s place and others. It’s tough riding a ten speed 7 miles one way to buy some flowers and then back, but it was worth it. My father relied on her family quite a bit just after my parents split. She wasn’t always there, but the chance that she could be was comforting.
With this I have come to acknowledge that I don’t let things go very easily.
Life Holds on to Things
Ideally we can get on the same page. That will take a bit of work as all the work I’ve done here is kind of like “reading ahead”. It would be cool if we both came to the same conclusion. But I need an Inception like thing to plant that seed and make it seem like her idea. Though I am coming to grips with the thought of being the “bad guy”.
Seeing that we met almost 20 years ago next week I tried to buy her jewelry, but not being able to pick something out, I went with a gift certificate. I purchased that book. She thought the amazon package was for her, so she opened it. Seeing that book gave her a little bit of a panic and I noticed an attitude change. I did give her the stuff early this week. It looks as if the book hasn’t even been cracked open. You would think if your significant other handed you a relation ship book that they read and thought was interesting and useful, you might want to get through it ASAP. But what do I know.
Marriage Friend Zone. Not an original idea, but it was for me. I think I can honestly say that that is what has happened here. I think it all comes back to her knowing what she really feels. Really looking deep and into those dark places for answers, and answers that she may not like.
Life Turns Left
On the 13th we put an offer in on a house. On the 15th it was accepted. On the 23rd we close on the sold house.
To be honest I had hoped to close before finding a place. But timing is never right.
During this we moved everything, and that wasnt easy. Tensions were high, amount of words low. It is in thinking about the while process and the 2 months to prep that I have realized as she goes, the family goes. Packing was NOT a priority to her. “We have this to go to.., or that to do.” She and the kids are on a day trip. I’m loading and unloading a truck. Now all of a sudden packing is a priority, and shit melts down.
In an effort to try and find every way to make things right and try everything I will be giving her a book I recently read to try and save the relationship. Am I too far gone? Is she?
Fun Fact: We are coming up on knowing each other for 20 years.
Life Turns Left (and can legally drink in Canada)
I don’t know myself anymore. Any preconceived notions I thought I once had, have been left in the dust. I’ve tried to question everything in an attempt to learn more, and find answers. I think I only managed to muddy the already murky waters.
We are looking for a house. There was a time where I wanted more acreage than one could count on their fingers and toes. I think I wanted it to be fairly large with many rooms. I now find myself unable to nail down any one thing a house should have. We have been open to looking at many different houses in a variety of settings, ie small yards. Much too small I’m afraid. Ideally neighbors shouldn’t be able to hear each other fart from within their home.
I’m employed. Most of my career has been graphic design. Had a home building stint and now I pick things up and put them down. I still get job board emails and still quickly review the offerings followed by the click of the delete button. Not much inspiring lately.
We are married. 14 years with 20 together. As a reader here you know how this goes. A few recent discussions and things seemed to get closer between us. I’ve seen this play out before. Closeness for a bit and then back to the normal life.
Life Turns Left
Then I think I smiled
Then I think you said, “it’s fine”
And quietly I dressed, in a world completely possessed by the human mind
Been kinda weird round here. I can’t shake this feeling of needing to go. I know in my head I’ve gone through many stages of denial, acceptance and denial once again. I’ve worked on looking at as many possibilities and angles as I can figure out. I know I don’t have them all covered, who could?
We have been looking for a house as of late and I just can’t get into any of them. We had put an offer in on one and had it accepted, but rescinded it the next day. But during the whole time I felt trapped, boxed in, unhappy to be locking into a large mortgage. Along with that was the lack of options, the locking in with her and going for many years to come. Am I finally getting to that point where I am ready to cut it off and move on? I’ve questioned whether this has been a blocking thing in my life. That because of this blockage, I am unhappy in other aspects of my life. My mental picture of myself is much different depending on which choice I make.
Yeah, it will blow up and devastate my world. There will come a time when the dust settles and lives will find that new normal and things will be good. Right?
Life may Turn Left
What do we do when it is just you and I? Think about the last outing we’ve had. One was a birthday party gathering. We’ve done some dinners and then more or less “run errands” while we were out. We don’t do anything. Car rides are lonely and silent. Nothing is said. When we do talk, it is more about logistics of helicoptering children from point B to point E, then F and then G. It’s about houses, it’s about your work, it’s about most anything but us.
Do we keep having these interactions with the hopes that one day we might break through and have a real conversation? Or is this where our relationship has evolved to? Do relationships run a course and we’ve reached the end of ours? Are we fulfilled with what we are doing?
20 years together. Not quite half of each of our lives. I’m shooting for 80-85, so I feel to be at my mid point. If this is the best its going to get, that makes me unhappy. Being that I have been debating and over analyzing this for many years, I think my mind has run the gamut and nothing will surprise me. I may have worked myself through the worst of it. That worst of it has yet to play out for you. Part of this blog has been to lay out my case, even if just to myself and to hopefully make you realize that we together have gotten here and that the next logical step is for us to split. Yeah, I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t like being the bad guy, but who does? I guess I keep hoping that this wouldn’t be such a one sided conversation, a one wants out while the other wants in. Do you know why you want in? Have you really thought about it? No I mean REALLY thought about it? Because honestly, I think you might reach the same conclusion.
used to be a part of me that never thought to doubt
Life Turns Transactional