Then I think I smiled
Then I think you said, “it’s fine”
And quietly I dressed, in a world completely possessed by the human mind
Been kinda weird round here. I can’t shake this feeling of needing to go. I know in my head I’ve gone through many stages of denial, acceptance and denial once again. I’ve worked on looking at as many possibilities and angles as I can figure out. I know I don’t have them all covered, who could?
We have been looking for a house as of late and I just can’t get into any of them. We had put an offer in on one and had it accepted, but rescinded it the next day. But during the whole time I felt trapped, boxed in, unhappy to be locking into a large mortgage. Along with that was the lack of options, the locking in with her and going for many years to come. Am I finally getting to that point where I am ready to cut it off and move on? I’ve questioned whether this has been a blocking thing in my life. That because of this blockage, I am unhappy in other aspects of my life. My mental picture of myself is much different depending on which choice I make.
Yeah, it will blow up and devastate my world. There will come a time when the dust settles and lives will find that new normal and things will be good. Right?
Life may Turn Left
What do we do when it is just you and I? Think about the last outing we’ve had. One was a birthday party gathering. We’ve done some dinners and then more or less “run errands” while we were out. We don’t do anything. Car rides are lonely and silent. Nothing is said. When we do talk, it is more about logistics of helicoptering children from point B to point E, then F and then G. It’s about houses, it’s about your work, it’s about most anything but us.
Do we keep having these interactions with the hopes that one day we might break through and have a real conversation? Or is this where our relationship has evolved to? Do relationships run a course and we’ve reached the end of ours? Are we fulfilled with what we are doing?
20 years together. Not quite half of each of our lives. I’m shooting for 80-85, so I feel to be at my mid point. If this is the best its going to get, that makes me unhappy. Being that I have been debating and over analyzing this for many years, I think my mind has run the gamut and nothing will surprise me. I may have worked myself through the worst of it. That worst of it has yet to play out for you. Part of this blog has been to lay out my case, even if just to myself and to hopefully make you realize that we together have gotten here and that the next logical step is for us to split. Yeah, I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t like being the bad guy, but who does? I guess I keep hoping that this wouldn’t be such a one sided conversation, a one wants out while the other wants in. Do you know why you want in? Have you really thought about it? No I mean REALLY thought about it? Because honestly, I think you might reach the same conclusion.
used to be a part of me that never thought to doubt
Life Turns Transactional
Actually I miss the ignorance and simplicity of that time of my life.
At the moment the house is on the market. We’ve had a half a dozen or so walk throughs today. Hopefully something pans out. We could take care of much of our debt. Then what?
Option 1: carry on status quo and kick the can down the road buy another house and hope that things might change. That I can parlay the cleaning and purging of the house into a life changing event where the piles never get so big as they did here.
Option 2: Get the house under contract and broach the subject. Where do we go from here? What do you really feel? What do you really want? Will things change, or are we going back to hoarder lifestyle?
This might be an ideal jumping off point. Clean start. Well, clean as is possible with two kids in the mix. In my minds eye I see myself more self assured, more confident, more happy with what I’m doing, more options, more optimistic, if I leave her. The other vision staying in the relationship I’m more the beat down version of Lester Burnham from American Beauty.
Life Turns Left
Had couple of hours of anxiety in the last day. The wife needed to take my phone for a bit as my son had hers. I try to manage my digital footprint and keep things tidy. She was also using my computer today, again I’ve kept that clean too.
Though, the thought of her finding something, or reading into something might accelerate dealing with things.
Yeah I’m a wuss and have been avoiding dealing with things. I do like to think I have put thought into the possible outcomes and parts of those will not be fun to deal with.
She and I also had some interesting short chats. I made some comment. Her come back included “there’s the door”, but not in a mean or hateful way. I followed up with “is that what you want?” She said no, that it isn’t. As a final line to it all she said “if I didn’t want you here, you wouldn’t be here.”
Late December chats have had interesting points in them. She bought me a salt float gift certificate. She mentioned it later and said she guessed she should have bought gift certificates for one of those places that does everything. In another discussion she drew a line in the sand that she will never wear yoga pants. I can just see her talking to somebody else in the future and saying “yeah he left me because I wouldn’t wear yoga pants.” A current thought rolling around in my head is to start a discussion asking if where our current sex life is at is the pinnacle of it? If it is that is not good by me.Could she live with an open relationship?
Another comment was about sleeping arrangements. She has previously mentioned getting single beds and push them together.But recently she relayed a story about her Aunt and Uncle getting a new bed. they put the old one in the basement. The Aunt for some reason wound up in the basement and liked it because of the no snoring and no dog. Wifey proceeded to say she could hear me while she slept on the couch in recent days and didn’t think copying her Aunt was a bad idea.
Is marriage too rigid? It makes getting to know others a bit tougher because you are supposed to be “dedicated” to the person you made an arrangement with how ever many years ago. How many other interesting, influential and possibly life changing relationships are not fostered because of it?
Remember how we started, ’cause since then, I’m a waste
Since then I’m a fool
Since then I’m a dog
In a world called catastrophe
Since then I’m a waste
Very much so since the weekend. My brain is all over the place.
The big issue in both situations is I don’t know exactly what is in each of their heads. For all I know they could want the same things the same way I want them. But not likely.
As much as I try to make each a mutually exclusive situation, I can see a trajectory where they cross down the road. I need to square away the home situation first and foremost.
Parallel with that I feel the need to clarify things with the other.
What might her expectations be?
Can I meet any of them?
Are any expectations deal breakers, for her, for me?
Am I distracting/holding her back/giving her false hope?
Lots of “I worry…” points
It’s been tough to write this, considering that answers to these questions may just shut this avenue down, making the friendship uncomfortable and awkward between us and then between the group.
Life Turns Left
A great weekend in many ways. Happy for the new couple. Happy to hang out with the gang. Very happy to have hung out with her. Unhappy about my tortured and twisted brain that holds me back.
“Let the mind go and the body will follow”. I wasnt able to do that.
Felt on top of the world when she grabbed my hand, when we were able to be close, when she grabbed my shoulders.
I thought a lot about her and the weekend thoughout the week.
Will be continuing to rethink my life choices on the 12 hour drive home.
Life Turn Left in different cities