Inception

Ideally we can get on the same page. That will take a bit of work as all the work I’ve done here is kind of like “reading ahead”. It would be cool if we both came to the same conclusion. But I need an Inception like thing to plant that seed and make it seem like her idea. Though I am coming to grips with the thought of being the “bad guy”.

Seeing that we met almost 20 years ago next week I tried to buy her jewelry, but not being able to pick something out, I went with a gift certificate. I purchased that book. She thought the amazon package was for her, so she opened it. Seeing that book gave her a little bit of a panic and I noticed an attitude change. I did give her the stuff early this week. It looks as if the book hasn’t even been cracked open. You would think if your significant other handed you a relation ship book that they read and thought was interesting and useful, you might want to get through it ASAP. But what do I know.

Marriage Friend Zone. Not an original idea, but it was for me. I think I can honestly say that that is what has happened here. I think it all comes back to her knowing what she really feels. Really looking deep and into those dark places for answers, and answers that she may not like.

 

Life Turns Left

 

Time. Timing.

On the 13th we put an offer in on a house. On the 15th it was accepted. On the 23rd we close on the sold house.

10 days.

To be honest I had hoped to close before finding a place. But timing is never right.

During this we moved everything, and that wasnt easy. Tensions were high, amount of words low. It is in thinking about the while process and the 2 months to prep that I have realized as she goes, the family goes. Packing was NOT a priority to her. “We have this to go to.., or that to do.” She and the kids are on a day trip. I’m loading and unloading a truck. Now all of a sudden packing is a priority, and shit melts down.

In an effort to try and find every way to make things right and try everything I will be giving her a book I recently read to try and save the relationship. Am I too far gone? Is she?

Fun Fact: We are coming up on knowing each other for 20 years.

Life Turns Left (and can legally drink in Canada)

Bit By Bit

I don’t know myself anymore. Any preconceived notions I thought I once had, have been left in the dust. I’ve tried to question everything in an attempt to learn more, and find answers. I think I only managed to muddy the already murky waters.

We are looking for a house. There was a time where I wanted more acreage than one could count on their fingers and toes. I think I wanted it to be fairly large with many rooms. I now find myself unable to nail down any one thing a house should have. We have been open to looking at many different houses in a variety of settings, ie small yards. Much too small I’m afraid. Ideally neighbors shouldn’t be able to hear each other fart from within their home.

I’m employed. Most of my career has been graphic design. Had a home building stint and now I pick things up and put them down. I still get job board emails and still quickly review the offerings followed by the click of the delete button. Not much inspiring lately.

We are married. 14 years with 20 together. As a reader here you know how this goes. A few recent discussions and things seemed to get closer between us. I’ve seen this play out before. Closeness for a bit and then back to the normal life.

 

Life Turns Left

In a world Possessed by the Human Mind

Then I think I smiled
Then I think you said, “it’s fine”
And quietly I dressed, in a world completely possessed by the human mind

Been kinda weird round here. I can’t shake this feeling of needing to go. I know in my head I’ve gone through many stages of denial, acceptance and denial once again.  I’ve worked on looking at as many possibilities and angles as I can figure out. I know I don’t have them all covered, who could?

We have been looking for a house as of late and I just can’t get into any of them. We had put an offer in on one and had it accepted, but rescinded it the next day. But during the whole time I felt trapped, boxed in, unhappy to be locking into a large mortgage. Along with that was the lack of options, the locking in with her and going for many years to come. Am I finally getting to that point where I am ready to cut it off and move on? I’ve questioned whether this has been a blocking thing in my life. That because of this blockage, I am unhappy in other aspects of my life. My mental picture of myself is much different depending on which choice I make.

Yeah, it will blow up and devastate my world. There will come a time when the dust settles and lives will find that new normal and things will be good. Right?

 

Life may Turn Left

Transactional Interactions

What do we do when it is just you and I? Think about the last outing we’ve had. One was a birthday party gathering. We’ve done some dinners and then more or less “run errands” while we were out. We don’t do anything. Car rides are lonely and silent. Nothing is said. When we do talk, it is more about logistics of helicoptering children from point B to point E, then F and then G. It’s about houses, it’s about your work, it’s about most anything but us.

Do we keep having these interactions with the hopes that one day we might break through and have a real conversation? Or is this where our relationship has evolved to? Do relationships run a course and we’ve reached the end of ours? Are we fulfilled with what we are doing?

20 years together. Not quite half of each of our lives. I’m shooting for 80-85, so I feel to be at my mid point. If this is the best its going to get, that makes me unhappy. Being that I have been debating and over analyzing this for many years, I think my mind has run the gamut and nothing will surprise me. I may have worked myself through the worst of it. That worst of it has yet to play out for you. Part of this blog has been to lay out my case, even if just to myself and to hopefully make you realize that we together have gotten here and that the next logical step is for us to split. Yeah, I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t like being the bad guy, but who does? I guess I keep hoping that this wouldn’t be such a one sided conversation, a one wants out while the other wants in. Do you know why you want in? Have you really thought about it? No I mean REALLY thought about it? Because honestly, I think you might reach the same conclusion.

 

used to be a part of me that never thought to doubt

Life Turns Transactional

I Miss New Wave

Actually I miss the ignorance and simplicity of that time of my life.

At the moment the house is on the market. We’ve had a half a dozen or so walk throughs today. Hopefully something pans out. We could take care of much of our debt. Then what?

Option 1: carry on status quo and kick the can down the road buy another house and hope that things might change. That I can parlay the cleaning and purging of the house into a life changing event where the piles never get so big as they did here.

Option 2: Get the house under contract and broach the subject. Where do we go from here? What do you really feel? What do you really want? Will things change, or are we going back to hoarder lifestyle?

This might be an ideal jumping off point. Clean start. Well, clean as is possible with two kids in the mix. In my minds eye I see myself more self assured, more confident, more happy with what I’m doing, more options, more optimistic, if I leave her. The other vision staying in the relationship I’m more the beat down version of Lester Burnham from American Beauty.

 

Life Turns Left

Bunch of Stuff

Had couple of hours of anxiety in the last day. The wife needed to take my phone for a bit as my son had hers. I try to manage my digital footprint and keep things tidy. She was also using my computer today, again I’ve kept that clean too.

Though, the thought of her finding something, or reading into something might accelerate dealing with things.

Yeah I’m a wuss and have been avoiding dealing with things. I do like to think I have put thought into the possible outcomes and parts of those will not be fun to deal with.

 

She and I also had some interesting short chats. I made some comment. Her come back included “there’s the door”, but not in a mean or hateful way. I followed up with “is that what you want?” She said no, that it isn’t. As a final line to it all she said “if I didn’t want you here, you wouldn’t be here.”

 

Late December chats have had interesting points in them. She bought me a salt float gift certificate. She mentioned it later and said she guessed she should have bought gift certificates for one of those places that does everything. In another discussion she drew a line in the sand that she will never wear yoga pants. I can just see her talking to somebody else in the future and saying “yeah he left me because I wouldn’t wear yoga pants.” A current thought rolling around in my head is to start a discussion asking if where our current sex life is at is the pinnacle of it? If it is that is not good by me.Could she live with an open relationship?

Another comment was about sleeping arrangements. She has previously mentioned getting single beds and push them together.But recently she relayed a story about her Aunt and Uncle getting a new bed. they put the old one in the basement. The Aunt for some reason wound up in the basement and liked it because of the no snoring and no dog. Wifey proceeded to say she could hear me while she slept on the couch in recent days and didn’t think copying her Aunt was a bad idea.