The Haunting Girl E

Radios have stayed quiet. Yeah she’s busy. I’ve gotten a ping a time or two, but more of a transactional interaction.  Via alternative routes, was able to get in the vicinity of her for an afternoon. A little awkwardness. But it was more the chance path cross at the grocery store afterward. We didn’t know we were both going there, but it happened. And that was the most awkward part of the day.

I have been able to try and distract myself from her a bit in recent days. I’ve considered leaving the group in an Irish goodbye fashion. It may happen, but not yet. In an effort to quiet the brain I found a yoga class with a mediation focus and started that. Its a drive to get there, and is a few weeks long. This effort had the wife asking if I was cheating on her, and if I REALLY was taking a yoga class. That didn’t sit well with me. I keep trying to find the angle to play it and ask her why it is that she thinks I would cheat on her? Any answer needs her own reflection about what would cause me to cheat and how she might change those actions or in actions.

I was hoping the yoga/mediation might help the sleeping, but hasn’t really. I did have a quick dream that Girl E and I were walking someplace, stopped and had an intense, strong, embrace. Not half-hearted. Not quick in and out. A substantial tight, emotional embrace. It felt amazing. And I can only hope that maybe she felt it too.

 

Life Turns Left

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Elephants in the room

Don’t poke the bear. Don’t hit the bee’s nest. Don’t address the elephant in the room.

Too many hours alone with my brain, some tools, and a half assed idea.

I manifested that elephant into a physical thing. And then I thought it would be a good idea to give it to her and say let’s chat about our elephant sometime.

Crickets.

And the head is going a million miles a minute. I’m sure she’s busy, but I’ve rung that bell. And the funny thing is what would probably be the foremost conclusion would not be putting us together. So why am I so twisted up about it?

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Flipped up in a Cloud

Been on my yo-yo lately. A good time here. A meh time there. That was fine. Underwhelmed.

In the last day or two my head has been leaning towards the out of the marriage side of things and I do have to say that I’ve felt more empowered. More in control. More inspired. And I remember feeling this a bit last year when I had the same mindset.

I’m guessing there is something to it…

Life Turns Left

 

What’s in Her head?

Home life has been reasonable as of late. Maybe even on the plus side of everything. And yet the ideas and thoughts still play in my head like a computer virus. The home and home life definitely has lots of room to grow, or improve rather.

I’ve had a email discussions with Girl C, and I had come to the realization, that I don’t let things and people go very easily. Hence corresponding with a girlfriend from 20 years ago. Once something is in there, its always there, but I don’t tend to bury it into those deep dark places in one’s mind.

Dovetail the holding onto things with the idea that monogamous marriage may not be for everybody, I continue to question what I am doing, how I am doing it, who I am doing it with, why I am doing it and even where I am doing it regularly.

Now add in a full cup of my hashing over issues to look at as many of the outcomes and their fallout as possible, and the paralysis sets in.

The Sports Group has decided we are doing a trip again this year that is pretty fun. Immediate thought was Girl E and the time we might be able to spend together. Other circumstances are at play and it doesn’t look like she’s going, but I was intrigued until then. I’ll still go, but it will be different without her there.

I still cannot answer why or how it is that my mind stays on Girl E so much. I don’t know that I am anywhere near the “right” guy for her. From what I think I know, there are a good many things I can’t give her, or would be able to. But what’s in her head? And that is always the rub. What’s in her head?

Life Turns Left

Merry Christmas?

I feel like the Ghost of Christmas Present today. I was able to get up, walk through the kitchen, make a bowl of cereal, eat it, and walk away and nobody said anything to me.

I used to like Christmas. It was fun. It was nice to do things. I don’t feel any of that. WTF happened?

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Nothing Works

It’s tough trying to redefine yourself. Especially when your closest people don’t seem to buy in.

We continue to be ships passing in the night. I still don’t feel like a priority.

I continue to run through scenarios in my head and try to look at things form a different angle, or change one of the variables of the various equations.

I look back over the year and keep coming back to a point in May/June during the house transition and think I should have pulled the trigger.

Change is hard. I’m not one to let things go too easily.

Will I change my ways in the New Year?

 

Life Turns Left

A Matter of Priority

Another day, another realization.

I have previously stated here that she dictates priority in the family and until she makes it one, it isn’t. Much of this came back to me as I have started trying to get the last of the boxes and stuff out of storage and into the house. All the feelings of frustration have come rolling back.

“No R2, we aren’t going with the others.”

Yeah, I’m Luke. I keep going off in different directions not with the rest of the gang. I’m chasing mystical, mythical, spiritual things that the others really don’t understand.

RISK

I’ve also realized she takes no risks. Costumes. Adventure. Something different. All these and more require one to extend, even if only a little, beyond their comfort zone.

Life Turns Left