Merry Christmas?

I feel like the Ghost of Christmas Present today. I was able to get up, walk through the kitchen, make a bowl of cereal, eat it, and walk away and nobody said anything to me.

I used to like Christmas. It was fun. It was nice to do things. I don’t feel any of that. WTF happened?

Life Turns Left

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Nothing Works

It’s tough trying to redefine yourself. Especially when your closest people don’t seem to buy in.

We continue to be ships passing in the night. I still don’t feel like a priority.

I continue to run through scenarios in my head and try to look at things form a different angle, or change one of the variables of the various equations.

I look back over the year and keep coming back to a point in May/June during the house transition and think I should have pulled the trigger.

Change is hard. I’m not one to let things go too easily.

Will I change my ways in the New Year?

 

Life Turns Left

A Matter of Priority

Another day, another realization.

I have previously stated here that she dictates priority in the family and until she makes it one, it isn’t. Much of this came back to me as I have started trying to get the last of the boxes and stuff out of storage and into the house. All the feelings of frustration have come rolling back.

“No R2, we aren’t going with the others.”

Yeah, I’m Luke. I keep going off in different directions not with the rest of the gang. I’m chasing mystical, mythical, spiritual things that the others really don’t understand.

RISK

I’ve also realized she takes no risks. Costumes. Adventure. Something different. All these and more require one to extend, even if only a little, beyond their comfort zone.

Life Turns Left

About One

Been weird in recent days. Maybe it’s the change in weather here. Caught a stretch of being okay with her this week. Can’t put my finger on what or why its been triggered. I’m trying to run with it, embrace it, enjoy it, nourish it. Something is changing.

Then saw this in my Instagram feed:

MG_About One

We all have at least one of these? I know I have songs that take me back to certain girls and that time.

Life Turns Left

Thy Will Be Done

I learned today that a girl from my childhood passed away Friday from cancer. She had breast cancer 8 years ago, and things came back last year. I can only imagine that year.

I hadn’t talked to her in 20 years. She was a vibrant, energetic girl who liked to laugh, but also keep one honest. We had some shared moments. Movies, sledding, hanging out at her dad’s place and others. It’s tough riding a ten speed 7 miles one way to buy some flowers and then back, but it was worth it. My father relied on her family quite a bit just after my parents split. She wasn’t always there, but the chance that she could be was comforting.

With this I have come to acknowledge that I don’t let things go very easily.

 

Life Holds on to Things

Inception

Ideally we can get on the same page. That will take a bit of work as all the work I’ve done here is kind of like “reading ahead”. It would be cool if we both came to the same conclusion. But I need an Inception like thing to plant that seed and make it seem like her idea. Though I am coming to grips with the thought of being the “bad guy”.

Seeing that we met almost 20 years ago next week I tried to buy her jewelry, but not being able to pick something out, I went with a gift certificate. I purchased that book. She thought the amazon package was for her, so she opened it. Seeing that book gave her a little bit of a panic and I noticed an attitude change. I did give her the stuff early this week. It looks as if the book hasn’t even been cracked open. You would think if your significant other handed you a relation ship book that they read and thought was interesting and useful, you might want to get through it ASAP. But what do I know.

Marriage Friend Zone. Not an original idea, but it was for me. I think I can honestly say that that is what has happened here. I think it all comes back to her knowing what she really feels. Really looking deep and into those dark places for answers, and answers that she may not like.

 

Life Turns Left